As a bank nurse, I am employed by the NHS trust I work for, but don't have a permanent contract. I choose to work on the bank because it suits my life as a single parent. There is only so much help I can comfortably ask for, and I feel that I should be present in my children's lives as much as I can be. It also slots into my commitments to running my business as a mindfulness tutor. But I do miss being a part of a team, and I miss being given the responsibilities I used to have.
Tonight, I am assigned to work in the Emergency Department (ED), where I work regularly, and somewhere I enjoy. It is the busiest, most intense place to be at times; very fast-paced, with anything and everything coming through the doors at all times of the day.
I scamper to the canteen to grab a sandwich, eating it quickly on my way back to the ED, as I have only 5 minutes before I start work. At 6 pm I walk into the department and see the queue of patients on trolleys, waiting to be handed from paramedic to the hospital. There are no beds to assign them to at the moment, as the wards are waiting to discharge patients or wait for clinical decisions to be made. The nursing and medical staff are busy; very few have had time for a break. I am asked to go to help out in "minors", where people who self-refer come to be seen, and where the GP referrals come in to be assessed or assigned speciality beds.
This area has been short-staffed all day, so there is only one nurse triaging and handling the GP referrals. I am given a list of patients to get to ward beds as soon as possible, in order to free up cubicles for the other patients coming in through the doors.
I spend an hour or so transferring patients to wards, handing over to a wide stress-spectrum of staff. All of them are tired, busy, hungry, some are finding it more difficult to hide than others. I then return to the ED to help with triage.
A couple of hours later I am asked to perform a procedure I have been trained to do but haven't done for a year or so. I feel slightly under-confident but fairly sure I can remember how to do it. I begin well, and then I feel the doubts creeping in. My stomach tightens and my confidence wavers. Having already talked it through with a senior colleague, I then ask her to come to supervise me. She takes over, doing the procedure exactly as I would have done it. I feel stupid. Why didn't I believe in myself? I try to explain this, but it's too busy, and the colleague is also due to finish her shift. My feelings of stupidity continue to niggle away at me for the rest of the shift.
4 and a half hours later, I head to the staff room for a 20 minute break. I sit alone, half-aware of some rubbish on the TV that someone had forgotten to switch off before leaving. I hear the rain and the howling wind outside, I check the time and I feel tinges of emotions coming up. I reflect and ponder on the events of the shift so far, then head back out to carry on. More patients coming in, more to take to wards, more to triage. I try to work as effectively as I can. Stock hasn't been replaced during the shifts due to business, so it means going off to re-stock whilst seeing patients. This slows everything down - especially when I don't know where something is kept, and can't find a member of staff to ask.
My shift is supposed to finish at midnight. At 11.55pm I realise this is unlikely. There is still a fair amount of things that need doing on the patients I have been preparing for the wards and have been clerked by the doctors. They are important things like giving intravenous antibiotics, administering analgesia, performing procedures. My colleague has taken over triaging, and she is busy. It would make things more difficult for her and the patients if I left. I decide to offer to stay for another hour, to try to tie up as many loose ends as I can. My offer is taken up. I spend the next hour getting things as organised as I can, before leaving at 1am. This was a good shift.
My drive home is even more perilous than the journey in, not least because I am feeling tired. I am feeling frustrated, too. I mull over the events of the shift, conversations, reflect on what I could have/should have done, I try to see events from the perspective of the other parties, and conclude that we, as an NHS body, are stressed. We, as an NHS workforce, are at capacity and beyond. We, as people, are not valuing ourselves enough, we are not giving our own self-care, we lack self-compassion, not just individually but as a whole. I know this to be true of me, because my inner monologue on the way home was twenty-five miles of negative self-talk, and one mile of self-appreciation. An unusual ratio for me, as I was holding on to feeling stupid about the failed attempt at the procedure I was asked to do.
We spend so much of our working lives engaged in processes, care, standards and unrealistic, target-driven restraint enforced by madmen in suits, who sit in the upper echelons of political power, exercising what seems to me to be some form of delusional magnanimity whilst bankrupt of integrity. These are the people who are slowly but surely dismantling health care workers like a six year-old plays with Lego characters. Metaphorically speaking, bits fall off, bits get re-attached, torsos and heads are changed about, some are thrown back into the bucket, others are trodden on. Some are super heroes and carry on, intact, others are strong and many are simply doing their job as best they can, coping with whatever comes their way. These nurses I worked with tonight are heroes in their own way, as they are doing their job as best as they can. They are feeling the pressure. I felt sympathy for them; there is so much more good stuff to them. If only they could see that within themselves, too. I try to have sympathy with government and ministers, but I find it difficult.
So as I mindfully work my way through shifts, I remind myself of the importance of making sure I feel a connection with everybody I work with; but I feel such a need to reach out to the staff I work with, teach them mindfulness as a form of self-resilience and in care delivery. I understand. I get it, because I know the anger, the stress, the fatigue, the food and drink-deprived headaches and full bladders and achy legs and backs.
I love being a nurse, not for the pitfalls - for the privilege - and there are so many. It's just not always easy to see.
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